Cat People (The 80s one)

First off. Amazing poster. I wish I were more than 1 year old in 1982 when this came out. Second off(?)... this is definitely not the wonderfully moody Jacques Tourneur (a house favorite!) film from 1942 starring the truly wonderful Simone Simon (also in Devil and Daniel Webster... another house favorite!). Third off (third-ly?) I truly wish they made insane movies like this today. Honestly, even things half this bananas would be an oasis in a desert. I had to watch this one over the course of two naps (actually "quiet time" which we are still trying to enforce b/c JFC we're tired on weekends). I would guess it is even more potent in one single viewing. 

I'll first list a bunch of things that should get your antanae twitching... The cast: John Heard (of Big fame.... "I don't get it! I don't get it!"), Natassja Kinski (ha chacha cha.. not really for me but in that 80s way...), Malcom McDowell (underused tbh... though I guess I'm glad his character didn't get weirder/grosser/etc.), Ed Begley Jr. (Gets his arm bitten off THEN DIES! from it. Seems like he could have been saved imo), John Larroquette and Ray Wise in very supporting roles. Basically a stacked cast all around but did I forget to tell you that DAVID BOWIE does the song for this movie (Video). Why? No idea. Don't fight the early 80s erotic thriller! All this madness is brought together by Paul Schrader who decides to open with a weird prologue of people from BC times... and also panthers lounging in a tree.

OK so after the opening in Europe(?) during the Dark Ages(?)... we fast forward to an awesome New Orleans in the very early 80s. This time capsule alone is reason to watch the movie. So we find Irena (Natassja Kinski) showing up on the train to go live with Malcom McDowell, her brother who seems pretty into her. :-/ ... also a woman, maid? housekeeper? lives there named `Female` which is pronounced Fuh-mal-ee. Thats pretty bizarre. She ends up in jail later for some reason.

So anyways Irena shows up and after getting creeped on by her brother she wanders around New Orleans by herself a bit during the day and night. While this is happening a panther is skulking around in the night and is killing folks. This whole sitch raises the arm hairs of the zookeeper (John Heard). Irena wanders the French Quarter and it is completely empty in the evening so it must have been an off year for New Orleans. Later she goes to the zoo (as one does... obviously) and John Heard meets her and of course immediately falls in love with her because I guess he had just watched Body Heat and Irena is a lot like Kathleen Turner in that.... The he courts her a bit (they go eat oysters and things) and then gets her a job in the gift shop (lolololo). She loves it! 

[Spoilers Ahead]

So then we meet Annete O'Toole at the zoo who used to date John Heard (IRL she is married to Michael McKean which is fantastic). We find her as she's hosing down an elephant in an 80s erotic thriller way. LOL. We glean that she used to date John H through subtext but she's cool with him moving on. At some point Ed Begley Jr gets his arm bitten off! and we find out he bit the dust later but don't see it. Sorry bout it EBJ. I may be out of order here but then John H and Irena go to the bayou for a little getaway but she won't sleep with him b/c she is starting to be suspicious she's a cat and will eat him after sex... but before all that that there is this awesome exhange:

[Alligators roar(?) and flop in the water]

JH: That's alligators. They're going to eat us.

[blank stare from NK]

JH: There's only one way to keep them away...

NK: ...whats that...

JK: We have to make love...

LMAO... so stupid. The good news is she doesn't fall for it. 

Next they find Malcolm McD (as a panther) and shoot him :( and there is a wild autopsy part where JH saws open the panther with a scalpel (literally saws! scalpels shoudl just slice...but maybe not in the 80s??) and Malcolm McD's ARM flops out of the panther corpse! The corpse then turns into GAS! and melts completely. Truly incredible. There is a weird intermission where Irena tries to leave through the really awesome Amtrak station of 1982 full of wonderful design and red lockers everywhere. She gets like... 21 dollars away but turns around for some reason and is back lickidy split... then is kind of a much bigger creep looking for JH. There is a pool situation (ripped directly off from the 1942 version... but in that 80s sexy way...) and then she finds her man and they smash. She turns into a panther in the grossest way possible right next to JH in bed but she doens't eat him because he's like "Its me".... She then rocks somebody and turns back into a person but goes back for more with JH. He ties her up b/c she'll turn into a panther afterwards and he knows it. Sex panther. 

JH and Anette O'toole get back together. You are left not knowing what happened but it turns out he PUTS IRENA INTO THE ZOO. Thats why he tied her up! F'ing diabolical...

Fade to black. :(